I'm almost a decade and a half behind in writing this post. I guess that was a time before I possessed a computer, the maturity to tackle this subject, and the emotional clarity to form my opinion from my heart rather than my head. I would like to remind you, dear readers, that this is only MY opinion and am not attacking the views or people that you know that this may be relevant to.
Do you remember what you were doing May 22nd, 1998? I do. I had traveled with my father from our home in Prince Albert to Saskatoon to grab odds and ends needed for my upcoming graduation. I think we got a bustier type bra to go under my gown that was purchased during an earlier trip and shoes. We arrived back home late afternoon/early evening. My grandma, who had been living with us since my mom passed away from cancer two years earlier, informed my a friend had contacted me in regards to a friend who had passed away. The name my grandma had said didn't sound familiar, so I thought it was just my gossipy friend had news about an unfortunate accident involving someone we knew by name more than by association. I picked up the phone, confused, to call my friend to see what it was she had to say, she wasn't home but her parents had the message for me. Had I ever been wrong. It wasn't just someone by association and my world had just been rocked.
Ladies and gentleman, on May 22nd, 1998 I was formally introduced to someone I had heard of but never had been formally introduced to. I had come face to face with, Suicide.
February 1989 our family had moved from the lower West side of our city up to the upper East side. It was halfway through my Grade 4 year and this move meant switching schools. In my class was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever laid eyes upon. I had pretty girls in my previous school but this girl had long dark hair and eyes that reminded you of a cat. She also had the look completed with a Cindy Crawford-esque mole on her cheek. She was only eight years old but you could tell she was going to become a gorgeous woman.
Oddly, and not quite sure how, we became fast and easy friends. Gorgeous K wasn't above it all to be seen with fat frumpy me. We quickly became inseperable. If I was somewhere, it was almost guaranteed K wouldn't be far behind and the reverse, if K was around, I'd be around shortly. Sleepovers, bike rides, mischief, guzzling tons of iced tea in the back of her dad's truck (don't ask), cheesy movies, and stupid dreams...that was us!
Grade seven came along...Jr High. We were in different classes. We started having different interests. We started hanging with different crowds. We never had a fight. Never yelled at each other, "I don't want to be your friend!". We just stopped being.
Another year, another move for me. Suddenly I found myself in a different province, let alone a different school. When I got back from BC, I was in a different school, in a different part of the city. I didn't lose all my friends, in fact two of my best friends were still in the other school, but K was definitely not on the "must call" list. We never really came into contact. Since grade seven, the only time I had seen her was when I was between 16 and 18, when she'd occasionally come through the drive thru at my work. Nothing was said but the usual transaction between cashier and customer. You'd never know that at one time it was essential for K and I to be around each other. That at one time, we had seemed like each other's oxygen.
I'm sure with my little back story you've realized who Suicide had tempted with it's promise of being carefree and worry free. Yes, beautiful K, who had indeed turned into a gorgeous young woman, decided to take her own life. That was 14 years ago today. Someone born that day is only 3 years away from being the age she was when her life ended. It seems so unreal.
I hate suicide. H-A-T-E, hate it! Life is short enough already and seriously, there are so few things in life that makes it THAT horrible. Most things can be worked through or, if you fast forward a few years, such non-issues that you can't even recall what was so horrible to begin with. Also, I lost my mom to cancer. She had no choice but to die. She would have given anything to be able to live. Here are people with a great gift, life, but choose to waste it. It's something that makes me angry as hell. I also think the people who do it are the most greedy, selfish people on the face of this earth. Yes, K included. I'm sure K's life and situation wasn't as bad as she imagined it to be. Then again, I guess I wasn't in her shoes.
She always seemed to have wanted something better than what she had. She would refuse to acknowledge her race background, which was obvious. When I'd be about to head home for supper, she'd convince me to stay, and go on and on about the delicious supper that was planned there and then we'd end up eating PB and J sandwiches. I wasn't friends with her because I thought of her as a "white girl who eats steak for supper" but because I had a lot of fun with her. I guess I should have probably let her know.
My thoughts, when someone is in the throes of contemplating suicide, they can't see the forest through the trees. They are so involved with the way they feel, they forget how they're going to impact the world around them. That no matter how unloved you feel, there are actually a legion of people who love you and the loss of you from their lives and the unanswered questions and guilt, and the question 'if they could have done just one thing different would you still be here' will haunt them forever. There were a lot of people at that funeral and there were a lot of tears, she was far from alone and unloved.
Fourteen years later, I'm still holding onto some of the anger and guilt. If I had acknowledged her when she came through the drive thru instead of waiting for her to acknowledge me, would we have become each other's oxygen again? Could I have been there at the end of a phone extension when she felt like she just couldn't take no more and be able to encourage that, indeed, she could? I doubt it. It probably be words that had fallen on deaf ears, but the what ifs are just so heavy in a situation like this and I shouldn't be so egotistical to think that I'm important enough to be the difference between life and death.
I gaze upon my husband and my two kids and think...she could have had this. She could have easily been bestowed this happiness. Instead, there's pictures and statuses in her honour on facebook. A family missing their daughter, sister, and aunt. I hate suicide! I hate the fact that you took a friend, even if we were estranged. I'll never forgive you for promising K the solution to all her problems in a nice tidy package but with a huge string attached. You glitter when the world seems dark but the glitter wears off quickly, and you're darker than the night itself. I'm not fooled, you help no one.
K, I wish I had talked to you all those times I had seen you. It's a guilt that will live on with me forever. I may not have seen or talked to you for years but your death was no less heartbreaking to me. I'll never forget you.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
And just like that...
I think a week has gone by haha. Shit! Sorry! I've actually been in the process of doing "stuff". Although, sad to report, such "stuff" has also been me stuffing my face full of those delish Peanut Butter Choco Chip cookies I've found off Pinterest. Damn you Pinterest!
I've also been doing something, I think is kind of nerdy BUT felt it needed to be done. I've been in the process of writing some emails to some friends. Old friends that I've had for ages but for some reason, just sorta stopped communicating with. I've been writing emails for the soul purpose of getting in touch and easing my guilt by apologizing for being a less than stellar friend. Needless to say, most have been supportive. I feel guilt can get in the way of certain goals because you figure you're a shitty person so why even try.
I've also been keeping myself, and my children, busy. Well, except today...and yesterday lol. The weather went from gorgeous to cold in the last two days but there have been trips to the park, walks, playing outside, visits with friends, story times, and craft times. It's actually been nice to be out and about. Forgot it's actually preferrable to have a social life instead of being a shut in.
I'll try to update again soon. I promise. Hold me to that!
I've also been doing something, I think is kind of nerdy BUT felt it needed to be done. I've been in the process of writing some emails to some friends. Old friends that I've had for ages but for some reason, just sorta stopped communicating with. I've been writing emails for the soul purpose of getting in touch and easing my guilt by apologizing for being a less than stellar friend. Needless to say, most have been supportive. I feel guilt can get in the way of certain goals because you figure you're a shitty person so why even try.
I've also been keeping myself, and my children, busy. Well, except today...and yesterday lol. The weather went from gorgeous to cold in the last two days but there have been trips to the park, walks, playing outside, visits with friends, story times, and craft times. It's actually been nice to be out and about. Forgot it's actually preferrable to have a social life instead of being a shut in.
I'll try to update again soon. I promise. Hold me to that!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Step One
Already falling behind hmm??? I've always been the worst procastinator! However, I have been making a few subtle changes this week.
By the way....are there any diet wines out there??? Ahh fuck it! You have to treat yourself on occasion!
- I joined myfitness pal and have actually been coming in under calories....amazing!
Not quite sure how I've been managing this. Think it's because Weston's eating is finally become a little more stablized. However I have this thing for red meat and salt right now. If I didn't know better I'd think I was pregnant and lacking in iron in sodium. I do know better, however, and think it's just a hormonal thing lol. - I got a hobby!!
I've been trying my hand at crocheting and am actually enjoying it. Careful out there! If I have any followers you may be the winner of a camoflauge dish rag haha. That's my skill level right now and it takes me two days to make one, but dammit!!! I'M DOING IT!! - I'm honing my social skills.
Actually went out for a walk (yes, and exercise) with a friend of mine and her beautiful daughter, tomorrow I'm heading over to a close friend's house so my kids can play with her's, and on Saturday I'm heading for coffee with a friend I haven't seen in awhile. I figure the more I'm out, the less I'm sitting here mindlessly eating.
By the way....are there any diet wines out there??? Ahh fuck it! You have to treat yourself on occasion!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Hobbies
One more post today. Why? Because I skipped a day (not that I actually plan on doing this daily) and this was on my mind and didn't really tie in nicely with the last post.
I think I need a hobby. My hobby, to date, has been baking. I know I can find healthy baking recipes, but it seems to be counter-productive to my cause. If I have food lying around my house, I WILL eat it. I also think I've been eating due to boredom. Boredom? How can I possibly be bored with two kids around?? Well my three year old seems to have a good handle at occupying himself at times (or he's playing with his grandfather) and my baby just wants to roll and play with his toes. So I find myself sitting here a lot, either being told I'm not driving my toy car just right, watching Cars for the umpteenth time, or telling the baby no no don't put THAT in your mouth.
I need something that is for ME. Something I can do to unwind while the kids are in bed or it's ugly out and they're otherwised occupied. Something that'll keep my hands and mind occupied so I'm not shoving food into my face. I just don't know what kind of hobby I should try. I'm thinking maybe knitting or crocheting, but I dunno. I guess it never hurts to try!
I think I need a hobby. My hobby, to date, has been baking. I know I can find healthy baking recipes, but it seems to be counter-productive to my cause. If I have food lying around my house, I WILL eat it. I also think I've been eating due to boredom. Boredom? How can I possibly be bored with two kids around?? Well my three year old seems to have a good handle at occupying himself at times (or he's playing with his grandfather) and my baby just wants to roll and play with his toes. So I find myself sitting here a lot, either being told I'm not driving my toy car just right, watching Cars for the umpteenth time, or telling the baby no no don't put THAT in your mouth.
I need something that is for ME. Something I can do to unwind while the kids are in bed or it's ugly out and they're otherwised occupied. Something that'll keep my hands and mind occupied so I'm not shoving food into my face. I just don't know what kind of hobby I should try. I'm thinking maybe knitting or crocheting, but I dunno. I guess it never hurts to try!
Look At Me! Already Running!!
To catch up on my posts that is! So I'm a bit behind, don't ask me why. I have no valid excuse except for a long hot bath one night and my husband not making that much of an effort to leave his parents' the next. Okay, the truth is...I've been BAD. Very bad! I'm not exactly proud of myself. In fact, I'm not proud of myself, what-so-ever. I've even thought of lies to put in my food diary that's how bad it is.
It always gets like this around here. We'll hit a lazy or busy period and suddenly we don't have time to eat properly it seems. It's horrible and things can't go on like this. So now comes the part I suck at...organization. I know if I organize myself it'll help, a lot! I tried one week to make up an eating plan. It went terrifically, until we decided to leave town for the weekend at the last minute and then other things came up. Excuses, excuses...and I'm full of them. Maybe that's it! I'm not fat, just full of excuses. *sigh*
So, I'm diving in...head first next week. New plan of attack.
- Meal plan. ALL meals.
- Prep ahead of time.
- Grocery shop for those items, and only those the weekend before.
Weds: Thurs:
Yogurt Water
Banana Chai tea latte
Water Banana Choc Chip muffin
Turkey Sandwich Spicy Chicken Sandwich
Carrots Fries
Coffee 1 cream, 1 sugar Coke
Wings 3 small slices of deli pizza
Cactus Cut Potatoes 2 cans pepsi
Bandera Bread Water (x2)
Pepsi
Beer
Water (x2)
I think it's time to let the ladies in on this...so they can slap me around!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
This Is NOT the Start I had Dreamed About....
Is this the font I used last time? I'm unsure. Ahhh, we'll just go with it.
So I started out yesterday morning with good intentions. Made my coffee with the recommended serving of creamer, no sugar. It was a bit bitter but not horrible. Since I started using the flavored creamer, I've scratched the sugar anyway. Guess I was using a bit more than a tablespoon creamer though. Oops! Toast, homemade so no icky preservatives , just a light covering of peanut butter and a banana. Yay me!
Then a friend came over. I realized I hadn't had lunch and was going to throw together something quick. She suggested going out for lunch. UGH! So, I had a plate full of fatty fried fish and chips (but hey, there was a salad, so I did have veggies). We walked there and back, so that has to give me some sort of credit. Okay, okay, I have a preschooler and walking with a preschooler has no calorie burning involved because you move at a snail's pace, stopping to look at each and every thing and pick up the cool rocks along the way. So lunch was kind of thrown out the window, but that's okay...I'm dabbling right now anyway. Remember? I said there were a lot of Easter left overs lying around...there's supper to make up for it.
So it's getting around supper time, my lovely husband runs up to use the bathroom (it's going somewhere, trust me) and when he comes back downstairs he has the pamphlet to the Chinese food restaurant we order from in his hand. He had decided Chinese would be good and ordered that. Mmmm just what I needed. So day #1 of dabbling has not gotten off to a great start. I shall try try again! I can't let this get me down, I need to do this!
So to help me out, I'm going to start posting my food journal so once again, I'm held accountable for the none of you out there. Here it goes:
Cup of coffee with 1 tbsp creamer
2 small slices of toast with about 1 tbsp PB
1 med banana
Glass of water
Glass of water
2 pieces of battered deep fried fish slathered in tartar sauce
Big serving of fries with a puddle of gravy on the side
Slice of greasy cheesetoast
Small side of tossed salad with italian dressing
Glass of Pepsi
Can of Pepsi
Slice of blueberry coffee cake
A few chocolate eggs
Chicken fried rice
Chicken chow mein
Sweet and sour pork
Beef vegetables
Glass of water (x2)
Chocolate covered ice cream bar
Glass of water (x2)
Blah. That makes me queasy just reading that, never mind eating it. My water consumption is about the only positive thing I have going for me. However, today is a new day, tomorrow is another and somewhere I'll find the balance.
DAMN YOU SUGAR AND FAT FOR BEING SO TASTY!!!
So I started out yesterday morning with good intentions. Made my coffee with the recommended serving of creamer, no sugar. It was a bit bitter but not horrible. Since I started using the flavored creamer, I've scratched the sugar anyway. Guess I was using a bit more than a tablespoon creamer though. Oops! Toast, homemade so no icky preservatives , just a light covering of peanut butter and a banana. Yay me!
Then a friend came over. I realized I hadn't had lunch and was going to throw together something quick. She suggested going out for lunch. UGH! So, I had a plate full of fatty fried fish and chips (but hey, there was a salad, so I did have veggies). We walked there and back, so that has to give me some sort of credit. Okay, okay, I have a preschooler and walking with a preschooler has no calorie burning involved because you move at a snail's pace, stopping to look at each and every thing and pick up the cool rocks along the way. So lunch was kind of thrown out the window, but that's okay...I'm dabbling right now anyway. Remember? I said there were a lot of Easter left overs lying around...there's supper to make up for it.
So it's getting around supper time, my lovely husband runs up to use the bathroom (it's going somewhere, trust me) and when he comes back downstairs he has the pamphlet to the Chinese food restaurant we order from in his hand. He had decided Chinese would be good and ordered that. Mmmm just what I needed. So day #1 of dabbling has not gotten off to a great start. I shall try try again! I can't let this get me down, I need to do this!
So to help me out, I'm going to start posting my food journal so once again, I'm held accountable for the none of you out there. Here it goes:
Cup of coffee with 1 tbsp creamer
2 small slices of toast with about 1 tbsp PB
1 med banana
Glass of water
Glass of water
2 pieces of battered deep fried fish slathered in tartar sauce
Big serving of fries with a puddle of gravy on the side
Slice of greasy cheesetoast
Small side of tossed salad with italian dressing
Glass of Pepsi
Can of Pepsi
Slice of blueberry coffee cake
A few chocolate eggs
Chicken fried rice
Chicken chow mein
Sweet and sour pork
Beef vegetables
Glass of water (x2)
Chocolate covered ice cream bar
Glass of water (x2)
Blah. That makes me queasy just reading that, never mind eating it. My water consumption is about the only positive thing I have going for me. However, today is a new day, tomorrow is another and somewhere I'll find the balance.
DAMN YOU SUGAR AND FAT FOR BEING SO TASTY!!!
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Beginning
So here I am. At the very beginning. I'm doing this here because I'm not sure I could do it alone without someone holding me accountable (even if it's invisible someones). So I'll start with a bit of an introduction:
My name is Roxi and I'm a 32 year old mother of two very precious boys age 3 and 6 months. I'm married to a wonderful man and we're just about to celebrate two years of marriage. I also have what's know to some as "a weight problem". Let's be honest. I'm fat as fuck! Weighed myself at the ILs and the scale read 250 lbs. Sure I just had a baby 6 months ago, but 3 months ago I was 235 lbs. Does that bother me? Yes and no. No because I'm secure enough in who I am and have enough people who love me as is to know that weight really has little to do with influencing those around you. Yes, however because I know that it's going to have a negative effect on my health (I'm surprised I've been so healthy) and a negative effect on my ability to interact with my kids.
This is why I'm here. I'm making all of YOU to hold me accountable for my actions (okay so there's no YOU out there yet, but I have hope). I find I always work better under someone. If I'm doing the work for myself, I'll have a glass of water and a carrot, pat myself on the back and think, "for all my hard work, I'll have a slice of cake and a can of Pepsi!". If I have a feeling I'll let someone down by having a slice of cake and a Pepsi, I'll work that much harder to get past that craving.
I'm not starting right this second. Easter was just yesterday, you'll have to forgive me this time as I plow through some left over stuffing and one more slice of cake (and one more mini Cadbury Creme Egg). I also have to formulate my plan AND figure out what I'm going to start eating. Apparently what I have been eating is NOT working at losing this ass of mine (or thighs, jiggly gut, or "bingo wings" a term coined by a good friend's brother about arm fat). The only thing I know I am going to do is post a pic. Something along these lines:
And I'll add a caption that'll say something along the lines of:
What is more important? A cupcake or this?
I hope it'll be highly motivational but I have to be honest, some days when the 3 yr old is being a terror and the 6 mth old won't stop crying, I may consider the cupcake more important. However, it's more likely this tactic will only fail if the pic and caption is stuck to the side of a red wine bottle. Hey! Don't judge! Somedays, you'd do the same if you have kids this age.
My name is Roxi and I'm a 32 year old mother of two very precious boys age 3 and 6 months. I'm married to a wonderful man and we're just about to celebrate two years of marriage. I also have what's know to some as "a weight problem". Let's be honest. I'm fat as fuck! Weighed myself at the ILs and the scale read 250 lbs. Sure I just had a baby 6 months ago, but 3 months ago I was 235 lbs. Does that bother me? Yes and no. No because I'm secure enough in who I am and have enough people who love me as is to know that weight really has little to do with influencing those around you. Yes, however because I know that it's going to have a negative effect on my health (I'm surprised I've been so healthy) and a negative effect on my ability to interact with my kids.
This is why I'm here. I'm making all of YOU to hold me accountable for my actions (okay so there's no YOU out there yet, but I have hope). I find I always work better under someone. If I'm doing the work for myself, I'll have a glass of water and a carrot, pat myself on the back and think, "for all my hard work, I'll have a slice of cake and a can of Pepsi!". If I have a feeling I'll let someone down by having a slice of cake and a Pepsi, I'll work that much harder to get past that craving.
I'm not starting right this second. Easter was just yesterday, you'll have to forgive me this time as I plow through some left over stuffing and one more slice of cake (and one more mini Cadbury Creme Egg). I also have to formulate my plan AND figure out what I'm going to start eating. Apparently what I have been eating is NOT working at losing this ass of mine (or thighs, jiggly gut, or "bingo wings" a term coined by a good friend's brother about arm fat). The only thing I know I am going to do is post a pic. Something along these lines:
And I'll add a caption that'll say something along the lines of:
What is more important? A cupcake or this?
I hope it'll be highly motivational but I have to be honest, some days when the 3 yr old is being a terror and the 6 mth old won't stop crying, I may consider the cupcake more important. However, it's more likely this tactic will only fail if the pic and caption is stuck to the side of a red wine bottle. Hey! Don't judge! Somedays, you'd do the same if you have kids this age.
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